Aelinn on a Road

Bowing Back Out

2009-10-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, soon it will be NaBloPoMo time again. I had big plans for participating again this year, but... I just don't want to. I am again feeling like I don't want to do this whole blogging thing at all. The hard part about this is there are some of you whose blogs I really enjoy, and I wish we could all just meet for coffee or something, and I feel like I'm not doing my part... but, y'know? Keeping this blog up is sort of a strain for me. So I guess I'm just going back to being a lurker and occasional commenter.

Another Quick Random Post

2009-10-12T18:23:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm still here! H just had a growth spurt; now several of his pants are too short. He'll just have to wear highwaters for awhile, as our budget is reeling from the new car and J not getting work bonuses because sales are down because of the economy blah blah blah... In more interesting news, here's a clip about knitting the teeny tiny sweaters for Coraline.

Now That We Own a Car

2009-10-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

It's a Run-By Fruiting!

2009-10-02T08:47:00.001-07:00

(Don't worry about that title. It's Monty Python. EDIT: or maybe Mrs. Doubtfire? I have a terrible memory for movie details...) Whew! We're in the midst of stuff! J has a new job; same company, even, just a different location. So we had to buy a car (it was a condition of employment) and now we (and our budget) are rocking a Volvo wagon, and the car seat is out of the closet. J's in the middle of a week-and-a-half "vacation" between the two jobs, and we've been trying to pack in as many projects and outings as we can on our small budget. There's other stuff, and there's other things, and that's why I haven't sat down to write a proper post in awhile. I would like to throw out there that, with the natural disaster things happening in Indonesia and other places, I think this is a good time to donate to international aid organizations. I chose Medical Teams International because I've heard good things about them both in the press and from nurses I know. My neighbor even knows some medical folks who've gone on trips with them. Medical Teams International and Mercy Corps were specifically mentioned in a local newspaper article as working in Indonesia in the aftermath of the earthquake.

Changing the Way We Think

2009-09-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

I like this article from We've Got Time to Help, and I love their project, and and it's been awhile since I've posted anything... so, there's that. :)

No, wait, here's a little more: fellow Portlanders Seth and Michelle are heading up this project to connect folks who need help with folks who can help them. They have a wide variety of projects going on, and really, I'd love to see more projects like this getting started in other cities. This should go viral, or something.

Tomato Sauce

2009-09-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

I recently had a week or so where it felt like nothing went right. I just couldn't keep up with my usual chores and routines, and problematic things kept happening, and new things I tried consistently flopped. (Trivia: It turns out I hate making jam. Who knew?) Yeah. Daily life was just getting to be a challenge.

Well, I know from experience that inertia is strong. Meaning... I don't want to just sit down and stop trying things, because I will fall back into a rut that leads neatly into depression. So I decided to make tomato sauce.

Lovely, easy, consistently successful, delicious tomato sauce.

It's like this:

Cut up a red bell pepper, two or three tomatoes and an onion into big pieces like so:
(I'm making a double batch in this pic.)

Add 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/4 cup stock or broth (I use veggie, but chicken or beef is fine,) and 2 tablespoons olive oil. Add some garlic and herbs if you like.

Stir that up and cook it 'till the veggies are soft. Use your stick blender to puree it right in the pot. If you don't have a stick blender, pour everything into a regular blender, puree it, pour it back into the pot, and make a note to buy a stick blender. :)

Then, fuss with the heat until your sauce is sending up a bubble or two at a time but isn't spitting. Leave the lid off and simmer it all day long. The flavors will concentrate, the sauce will thicken, and you will have a healthy, delicious sauce for pasta, pizza, cheese sandwiches, adding to stew... it's so good.

I froze this batch in an ice cube tray, then put the cubes in a jar to keep in the freezer.

I thought a picture of finished tomato sauce might be boring, so here are pictures showing the tiny pepper I found inside one of the red bells:

This is based on the smooth tomato sauce recipe in Nourishing Traditions.

Bah-boh!

2009-09-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

That's how H says "Bible." "Bah-boh!" with excited pointing... it's so cute!

I finished reading the Bible for the first time on my birthday, at the end of August. I started in January, and yes, that means I was not studying much in depth.

I'm going to dive right back in. I thought for sure I was going to be led straight in to a church, but no! God's making it pretty clear that I'm to stick with prayer and scripture for now. I guess He wants me to get to know Him personally?

Here are my new books (Well, I'm still waiting for my concordance to arrive:)

I chose the Complete Jewish Bible for a couple of reasons. First, I have a tendency to get to reading so quickly that I'm not really thinking about what I'm reading. This translation uses a lot of the Hebrew names and terms, which will hopefully slow me down some, which will help me reflect on the passages I read. Also, I am not convinced that Christians are meant to abandon the Old Testament laws... Well, I'm slowly, prayerfully, carefully considering this movement... whether you call it messianic Judaism or Hebrew-rooted Christianity... I personally think of it as "using the whole Bible, remembering the whole history..." Anyhow, for now, I'm sort of planning my Bible study to follow the Torah portions and readings used by the Messianic community.

I also ordered this Interlinear Bible... it has the OT in Hebrew and the NT in Greek, with a word-for-word translation along each line, and Strong's Concordance numbers printed along, too!

Lesson A: Hebrew reads from right to left:

I hope this will be a useful tool to help me dig deep in my studies. I'm pretty excited to use it!

Whatever happened to that nice Buddhist girl? (part 1)

2009-09-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about posting a big testimony about my spiritual journey, and have even typed out a couple of starts, but I keep feeling like I'm either writing too little or too much. Also, I will admit to feeling some fear when talking about God. I am not surrounded by followers of Jesus. That is an understatement.

Still, I want to be obvious. I want to be one of those people who is known to be wholeheartedly Christian without ever being directly asked. God has done such great wonders for me in such a short time that I want to run around downtown with a big sign shouting His praises! ...but I probably will not do that. I will, however, try to write some posts that aren't just whining about my dietary struggles. :)

~*~

I was raised, like most people I know, in a mostly nonreligious household. I went to a Baptist church with my grandpa a few times, and attended a Christian Scientist Church (my grandmother's denomination) for awhile when my parents were trying to meet people to sell Amway. Which was not like my parents at all. But that's a whole other story. Anyhow, there was lots of talk about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, but not much talk about Jesus Christ.

In my early teens, my parents and I became pagan. Let me tell you, practicing paganism felt good. Really good. It filled so many gaping holes in my life... my need for ritual and framework, my desire to read and learn about other cultures, my hunger for a group identity and fellowship. Oh, telling myself lovely stories about gods and goddesses who loved me and helped me was a soothing balm in all the turmoil of adolescence! ...but, here's an important thing I have realized: all my rituals and talismans and prayers to stories changed how I felt, but did not change anything else. Not a thing. It certainly didn't change my abilities. And easing fear is not the same as lessening danger.

I discovered Buddhism in college. Literally. I took a course on religions and read about Buddhism in the textbook. I was instantly drawn to the simplicity and the ethics and the lack of metaphysics... Buddha taught that wondering about the nature of divinity, the afterlife and the fabric of the universe was a waste of time. What was wanted was careful consideration of how to live, which was, actually, exactly what I was looking for in my college years. I also liked the idea of "working out my own salvation with diligence" rather than looking outward for help. So off I went, studying Buddhist books and practicing Buddhist practices and, yes, I got some very real benefits from these. I practiced self-examination, changing habits, focusing my attention and bearing difficulties. I discovered some of my gifts: a strong desire to help and care, and abilities to feel deep compassion for friends and enemies alike and to examine things from many different perspectives.

Still, something was missing, as evidenced by the fact that I was still a promiscuous, suicidal alcoholic. Yeah.

I continued practicing Buddhism until about eight months ago. I decided that, starting January first, I would read the Bible. Mostly, I was thinking I ought to check it off my "stuff to do before I die" list. I also figured I would be better able to debate against Christianity if I knew the Bible. I never

never

ever imagined that God was leading me, slowly, ever closer to himself. It's like I was a lost lamb that was part feral, and God had to move delicately to keep from scaring me off... of course, being the perfect shepherd that He is, He knew just what to do!

I'm going to leave off here, and write more about this later. Probably.

May God bless you with peace and joy!

It's All Alright

2009-09-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm struggling with sugar and caffeine, but I have the knowledge and support I need to get through that. Also, the rest of my diet is really, really healthful. And there's the kombucha; we brew a gallon a week, and it tastes delicious and helps my poor body detox.

And, oh yeah, my husband's about to lose his job. The store he manages is closing (corporate decision; it's a big national company.) But, he has a great resume, and he's highly skilled in his field, and personable, so he's good at interviewing and has good references. There are some promising options open for him already.

And, oh yeah yeah, H woke up at 3 something this morning. But, there's a coffee shop literally right across the street. Which brings us full circle, doesn't it?

My Resistance to the Easy Answer

2009-09-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and get ready to shake your head and go "tsk tsk" at me!

I've known since my pregnancy that a tablespoon of blackstrap molasses stirred into a cup of milk makes a drink that I enjoy, gives me some good minerals (iron, calcium and magnesium) and also SATISFIES SUGAR CRAVINGS.

Yeah.

The reason I haven't been buying milk and using this simple solution to help me get back off the sugar?

I don't like drinking pasteurized milk. Pasteurization heats milk up to such a high temperature that A) enzymes are destroyed, making it harder to digest and B) may change some of the molecules into harmful substances. (Homogenization also changes the structure of the milk by exploding the milk particles.)

It was only a couple of days ago that I though to myself... "Hm. I wonder if maybe the milk is less harmful than the cake."

So, yeah, I bought some milk, thinking about how ridiculous I think it is that I can't get raw milk because I have neither the transportation to get to a farm nor the land to raise even a goat and so the Oregon laws keep me from getting this stuff that improved my health when I was able to get it... but I do feel better now that I'm off sugar again. That is, my mood is much better and I am sleeping better, but my digestion is all warbly from the (pasteurized) milk, but milk is not so addictive as sugar and caffeine, so I think I'm going to be alright.

Smiley face-----> : )

Try, Try Again

2009-09-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I just had a birthday. Sure enough, I also had some coffee and cake and ice cream and wine and BOOM!!! I am readdicted.

Lord, help me to raise my son so he doesn't experience this wanting on his birthday (or any other holiday, for that matter.) Help us to form family traditions that don't involve eating food that is addictive and detrimental to our health and spending money on extra clutter just because we reach a particular square on the calendar.

I feel so weak. I made it through most of the day, but after dinner, it's like alarm bells were going off: IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY AND YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ANY JUNK FOOD!!! GET THEE TO THE ZUPAN'S, GO GO GO!!!

And now I am going to go through detox and withdrawal all over again, without the benefit of having an illness on which to blame the uck feeling.

Right where he belongs

2009-08-21T15:39:00.001-07:00

Almost every time I step out of my apartment without my son, I hear, "Where's the baby?"

This could get irritating. I could ask, or think, "What about me? Do I only matter as far as I'm his mama?"

Instead, I smile. I am happy that my son is growing up in a community that notices and cares about him. I also understand that making conversation can be difficult--I'm not so great at it myself--and a child makes an easy shared topic for people who want to connect. You know, it's a change from, "How's the weather?"

I also like that, unless they see him with J, people assume H is with me. Of course. He's with his mom, right? Except right now, he's with his dad. :)

First Word, or all the words getting clearer?

2009-08-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

I usually stumble when people ask me about H's first word. Questions like, "Is he talking yet?" leave me grasping for the balance between the concise answer the asker probably wants, and the detailed answer I want to give.

The short answer, depending on my mood, is either "no" or "sort of."

The middle of the road answer is something like, "We know what he means, ha ha!"

The longer answer is that I am not a big believer in milestone counting. I didn't see my baby wriggling on the floor like a fish and then, suddenly, at a clearly definable moment, sitting up. I didn't see him crawling around and then, one day, suddenly getting up and walking steadily. He didn't go in a flash from smearing and tossing his food around to eating daintily with a fork. Everything he's accomplished has been gradual, a leisurely moving along the spectrum from "can't" to "can" with plenty of stops for exploring.

I think the best metaphor for his speech development is that of a clearing fog. He's been gabbling at us for quite some time, and slowly we began noticing words developing. He's getting plenty of initial consonants, and sometimes the correct number of syllables. He points around our faces saying, "Mm. Ah. No," for mouth, eyes, and nose. Then he giggles and goes after our toes... "Do!" His "thank you" sound something like "taco." Often, his consonants don't match (at least, not to our ears) but his syllables and inflections clearly mimic ours, and it's often evident that he knows what he's talking about. There's not a first word... it's all the words becoming clear.

In other news, J and I were married three years ago today.

Self! Go to BED!!!

2009-08-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Instead of turning off the computer and going to bed, I sat down to write a post about how I'm not writing as much as I thought I would about becoming, and being, Christian, partly because being Christian is just totally normal to me now.

Of course, first I read through some other blogs, and since I haven't checked them in a few days there were lots of posts to read. I don't even know if I left any comments (other than the one about how you can use up leftover oatmeal by mixing it with an egg and frying spoonfuls of it in butter) because I felt rushed, wanting to get these all read, write my post, and get to bed.

By the time I got here to the new post screen... bleh. I am tired. My family is in bed asleep. I'm going to join them.

Good night. May God bless tomorrow.

If you want to try soap nuts...

2009-08-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

...Lindsay at Passionate Homemaking is having a giveaway! You could win a trial size bottle of Extreme 18X Soap Nuts Laundry Detergent. Check it out.

(we rented a car)

2009-07-30T19:52:00.001-07:00

Detox and Rehab

2009-07-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today is my eighth day with no caffeine, excepting the negligible amount in two chocolate chip cookies. See, Wednesday before last, I was sick and couldn't eat a thing without it coming right back up; ugh. Toward the end of the day, when I was slowly-but-surely feeling better, I did have half a glass of iced tea. Then it hit me... I am always working toward a healthier diet. It's a constant goal. And there I was, sick anyway, miserable anyway, beginning caffeine withdrawals anyway; a perfect time to just quit altogether! So I did. The first couple of days were awful, but they would have been awful anyway as I was rebuilding my appetite and blood sugar. The next couple of days, I was somewhat foggy and irritable, but not intolerably so. Now, I'm fine... better than fine. I'm great!

The last obviously unhealthy element of my diet is refined sugar. This is going away post haste. Now that I am not constantly eating sugars, caffeine, artificial colors and sweeteners, and the myriad other bizarre things "they" think we should be eating, I can really feel the difference when I do eat some sugar. It seriously feels like I'm on really bad drugs. I can't think clearly, I'm angry, and I want cake. I find myself knowing that a huge portion of psychoactive pharmaceuticals would be completely unnecessary if people would just eat a diet appropriate to our species. I feel like I could write a book about this. I probably could, if my mom co-authored. I'm going to end this paragraph here. I can feel myself getting worked up, and I do eventually need to fold the laundry!

In other detox news, I'm finally through the no-poo ick phase! I recently realized that the reason it was taking me so long was I would wash my hair with castile soap whenever the ick got to be too icky. The ick phase is when you're working through the buildup on your hair. Castile soap leaves buildup; that's why you're not supposed to wash diapers with it. So, right when I was almost through the phase, I'd add more buildup. Now that I figured that out and quit with the soap, my hair is getting really nice really fast! I just sprinkle baking soda on my head before my shower, massage my head to work in the baking soda, wash the rest of me first so the soda has time to absorb the oils, then rinse. Super easy, no chemical wierdness, no plastic, just lovely. Lovely.

Blogging

2009-07-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

I want so much to be one of the cool kids in the blogosphere.

Um, yeah. But. I am the sort of writer who works best with a few hours of uninterrupted quiet solitude... are you laughing yet? If not, may I remind you that my son is 17 months old? Now are you laughing?

So, in my head, as I'm going about my day, I write lots of lovely posts for you to read. I tell you, in my inside-the-head voice, about what I'm reading in the Bible and the way God is teaching me a lesson about sacrifice and love and how cool it is that He's able to bring so many influences together at once to make sure I get this lesson. I also tell you about my family, the exciting thing that *might* be happening for my husband soon and, always, the beauty, joy and fascination my son brings me. I show you pictures of the things I make: bread, kombucha, stuff I sew and crochet... Sometimes I write about my dark, twisted past and, oh yes, my current struggles. I write insightful essays about relationships, culture and nutrition... Yeah.

But.

It turns out that actually typing the posts out so you can see them is pretty low on my to-do list. My days are full; my energy is all spoken for. Posts like this are about all I can manage. Hmm...

That was awesome, God

2009-06-25T10:52:00.001-07:00

A dear friend's mother, Mrs. B, once told me a story about her husband losing a contact lens at a time when they could not afford to replace it. Her husband being an E.R. nurse, his compromised vision was a pretty big deal! Well, she soon found the lens lying neatly on one of her son's toys. She finished the story with, "I was like, 'Thank you, God! That was awesome!'"

At the time, that last statement just washed over me and was gone. I was in college, a Buddhist more-or-less atheist. Growing up, I had gotten the idea that Christianity was either just for fun or something for people who "needed the structure" because they couldn't figure "things" out on their own. Oh yes, and I had heard plenty about how Christians were all brainwashed blind followers!

Well, I get it now. I don't know that I can articulate the feeling that God is always looking after us, but I am having one of those thank-you-God days!

My son hasn't been sleeping well. He has a couple of molars pushing through his gums, and he's in a stage of particularly intense development which is probably leaving his mind racing! While I understand that, I haven't been able to eat enough to keep up with all his nursing. And, of course, sleep deprivation wears us all out. My husband and I had decided to start nightweaning last night. This is not something I want to do. It is a last resort.

Well! Last night was lovely! Baby son slept and slept; not once did I wake up to nurse thinking, "I can't believe this, it's too soon, I haven't slept, no no no..." All three of us woke up in a good mood, feeling like we'd had enough rest... aaah. Lovely. Also, not the first time we've gotten to the end of our rope and decided to change the way we handle nights only to have a good peaceful sleep just when we need it!

I. Am. So. Relieved.

Thank you, God. That was awesome!

What's Up

2009-06-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

~*~ This has been a bizarrely difficult week. There has been a fairly constant stream of things just not quite working, and of me forgetting simple basics (like taking my key when I go out, taking quarters down to the laundry room, pushing "start" on the dryers, fixing lunch before naptime... etcetera. Et-cet-er-a.) Oh, well. As far as I can tell, no great big holes have ripped open in the space-time continuum or anything like that. I'm just running a high level of frustration is all, but that'll pass, I know.

~*~ On the other hand, my son is having a grand cognitive explosion... it's so fun! He's such a joy; I mean, he has always been a joy, but I think this time with him is my happiest so far. My depression continues to heal, slowly but surely, and watching him explore, investigate, experiment--watching him learn and his understanding grow--it's just fascinating, and I'm well enough now to really enjoy this. Hey, it only took fifteen months!

~*~ My son is awesome. I think it's worth harping on this point. His hobbies now include giving kisses, practicing petting the cat gently, following our neighbor dog around, stacking things, putting stuff in a bag and dragging it around, eating with a fork!!!, trying to drink from a glass, drumming, dancing, more drumming, shaking things, reading books, and smiling. So much smiling!

~*~ Speaking of joy, my husband brought home some raspberries from the farmer's market. I took one of my favorite chocolate bars (Santander 70%) and used the squares like chips and mushed raspberries like dip. Oh. Wow. Seriously. Yum. I want to do it again, but we ate all the berries.

<3

2009-06-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

I am so

so

SO

very, very, very much in love with my husband and our son.

Thank you, God, for this beautiful family, and help us build a home of hospitality, and give us opportunities to share this love with our neighbors, our community, and (why not dream big?) the whole world.

'Cause, love? We've got plenty of that here!

Random Thoughts Thursday

2009-06-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

~*~ I want to post more often, but I rarely feel like I have enough time to sit down and write what I want to. I like structure, but if I'm going to post as much as I'd like, I need to give myself a "free space," so here it is: Random Thoughts Thursday. Which might sometimes be known as What's Up Wednesday. So! Now I can do some fly-by posting in an orderly fashion. (...and there's a good chance that will come to constitute most of my blogging.)

(ETA: Or maybe I'll keep experimenting and come up with a totally different blogging rhythm.)

~*~ Kombucha! The weather has warmed up, and our last couple of kombucha batches have been delicious!!! I think the change in weather has made a bigger difference than changing tea and sugar amounts ever has. I kind of want to get some more gallon jars so I can brew more, and then drink more.

~*~ Yes, I called the pastor, and then went to meet with her. I don't have much to put into words... I enjoyed our visit, and I'm thinking-thinking-thinking...

Milestone Mei Tai

2009-06-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

Look here! I just discovered that the woman who made my mei tai set up a blog to help spread the word.

Church???!!!

2009-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

So.

It's come to this.

I recently checked out the website for the church that we pass on the MAX all the time. It's Presbyterian, so I looked up "presbyterian" on Wikipedia. The article didn't scare me. Leaving my son with strangers in the church's nursery does scare me.

But then, the other day, it was... um... just a really bad day. Bad enough to leave me shaken, with a headache and a sore throat the next day. And, to my own surprise, emailing this church seemed like a good idea. So I did email, basically writing, "Hi. I'm new to all this. I need help. Do you do that?"

And I got an email back from a pastor. More or less, "Give me a call."

Oh, dear. Scary stuff. But I'm thinking about it, and praying of course...

...and then, the kicker...

My HUSBAND says he thinks I should. And he has expressed interest in this church's music program. And he said something about "our family" "getting involved" "with this church." This is the first time my husband has reacted in an "I'll be a part of this" way, as opposed to an "I'll support you while you do this, and by support I mean I'll stay out of your way" way.

So. Maybe I'll call. On Tuesday, okay? Maybe.

Girl + Rush YYZ

2009-05-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Still Here

2009-05-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hey! Hi! Hello! It's been ten days since I posted, oh dear... Well, I get into these strongly introspective phases, and I don't feel like talking because I want to listen and read and observe. Of course, on the internet, that translates into me "disappearing." Oops.

I keep meaning to do Seven Quick Takes Friday, but, um, not doing it. Maybe I should.

Trivia: Wednesday and Thursday are my husband's days off, so Friday is our home's Monday.

More trivia: Our library has neither He Leadeth Me nor Introduction to the Devout Life. I especially want to get a hold of He Leadeth Me because I think my husband would like it. He's in to World War II, and in to stories of fortitude and perseverance and survival and such.

So, I'm still plugging away at the Bible, and I've reread Lee Strobel's The Case for Christ. Please, feel free to recommend books to me! Especially daily living type books. Especially for homemaking moms. 'Cause I am one of those.

Sourdough!!!

2009-05-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

Are you ever pretty sure something is going to work, knowing that countless other people have been making it work since before it was even suggested that Earth might not be flat, but then when it works, you're amazed anyway?

(And heck, I'm not even talking about giving birth at home.)

Wow!!! Following instructions in Nourishing Traditions, I put some wheat flour and water in a big jar, then put a little more flour and water the next day, and the next, and so forth for a couple of weeks. Then I mixed a cup of that glop with some salt and more water and wheat flour, kneaded it for awhile, and shaped it into a loaf pan. I set the pan in the oven with the light on (for warmth) for several hours, then baked it and... Surprise! Would you ever guess it turned into a perfectly adequate sandwich bread???

Then, I used this recipe and baked it into four mini-boules ("boule" is just a shmancy word for "round loaf.") That also turned out very good; I think that recipe is a good choice for dinner rolls or plain old bread-and-butter.

Next week, I want to make the same recipes; I just want to handle the dough less and let them rise longer. ...and I'll find out if it's really okay to keep the starter in the fridge.

I'm just delighted by this. "Hey, little wild yeasties! Come here! Right here, okay? Into this big jar? I promise I'll give you plenty of nice food and water, and all you have to do is raise my bread, okay?"

And then they do.

Oh, also? I've learned more about bread from Sourdough Home in the past week than I ever knew there was to learn about bread. All my bread baking is better for it; not just sourdough.

Acts is... Active

2009-05-10T20:17:00.001-07:00

I'm really enjoying the book of Acts. (Am I supposed to capitalize "Book?" Is there a "Christian Typography Etiquette" book for new converts?) It's exciting, it's informative, and... if I'm reading it right... Acts 15 informs us that Gentiles don't need to be circumcised to be saved.

(Obviously, I'm open to hearing from you about this, otherwise I wouldn't post it here. Please just keep your comments about circumcision to what the Bible says about it!)

Anyhow, there is a lot of action in this book. I even gasped when Peter escaped from prison! I look forward to nap time tomorrow, when I can read more!

doom days

2009-05-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

Some days, it's easy to believe that I am just doomed. God has already decided who he's going to save... and I am not one of them. Maybe the good days are just there so I know how miserable I am on the bad days.

(It is worth noting that these feelings pass a little more quickly and a little more easily each time. But still.)

(It may also be worth noting that I no longer believe I can or should know and understand everything, and that's one of my personal miracles; the belief that I can and should be able to understand everything--including great huge divine mysteries--was one of the things keeping me from Christianity that just sort of fell away recently...)

Amazement, and An Open Apology

2009-05-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I
am
just
BOGGLED
at how much I've changed, and so quickly.

I have become the sort of person I used to look down upon.

Jesus, I am sorry I used to belittle your followers. I'm sorry I called you a crutch for the weak and naive. You are the Christ; I know that now. I'm sorry, so sorry, that I avoided you for so long. Thank you, thank you, I am so grateful that you never gave up on me!

And, okay, I'll tell my parents.

Pray Without Ceasing

2009-05-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling much better. Less angry. More understanding, more certain, calmer as more and more things continue to ~~magically~~ miraculously, suddenly make sense to me. (Thank you, God! And I am really, really sorry I made it so hard for you to get through to me for so long!)

One thing that has helped has been trusting this "feeling" that I am being "called" to pray. Lots. Lots and lots of Bible reading and praying. Finding a church can wait. (What? No! Aurgh! That's what I wanted to do!!!)

One thing that has helped with the praying is the Liturgy of the Hours at the Universalis website. (I put their banner up, but it's at the bottom of this blog because I can't figure out how to make it fit anywhere else.) I haven't scheduled times to do all the hours and am not committing to pray them all each day. What I like about this resource is that I can go to find new material for prayer every day; in fact, several times each day! No more stale prayers, yay!

Such Change, So Fast

2009-05-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

I say, without reservation or hesitation, that God has worked miracles in me this past week. I can't describe them in a way that sounds miraculous, unless you've experienced similar things, in which case you probably already know what I'm talking about. I'm reading the same words in the same Bible, but things that never before made sense to me suddenly... make sense. Biblical things that were upsetting are now comforting, things that seemed silly now seem seriously important. My role in my family and our community is clearer and more exciting to me, and seems easier to fulfill. It's as if my declaring myself Christian and deciding to study the Bible and follow Christ's teachings flipped a switch and now God is coming through to me loud and clear. (This isn't the first time I've declared myself Christian and studied the Bible, but it's the first time it's "worked," and I have some thoughts on why that is, which I'm saving for another post...)

But! And! However! I'm also having some straaange anger. I've struggled with depression for most of my life, and have certainly given in to rage before. This isn't that. Here is another thing I can only tell you, not make you believe: There is some thing trying to keep me from harmony, and from serenity. Dare I say, something trying to pull me back from God.

As of now, my plan is just to keep going back to prayer. Again and again, I feel the anger, I go back to prayer. But I wonder, is this common? Will it get worse before it gets better? Are there any particularly useful prayers you can share with me?

Lip Balm

2009-04-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, I finally got tired of overlooking all the unwanted (by me, I mean) ingredients in all the lip balms I've been able to find... well, I did find a couple that seemed safe enough, but they melted in warm weather. So, I made my own.

I experimented with two recipes to start. One turned out great, the other is too hard. The one I like is two parts unrefined coconut oil to one part beeswax. The too-hard one is two parts beeswax to one part grapeseed oil. I might keep playing with the ratio of grapeseed oil to beeswax, but I really, really like the coconut oil balm and will probably stick with that! If it starts melting this summer, I'll just up the amount of beeswax to make it harder.

I bought my beeswax and funnels with small spouts from Mountain Rose Herbs. We get coconut and grapeseed oils from the healthy/natural section of the grocery store (both are great for my oily skin, and I don't use any other lotions, from face to feet!) I reused old lip balm tubes, scraped out with cotton swabs.

You can see in the picture that I set the coconut oil and beeswax (in a metal measuring cup) in a pan of water to melt. Beeswax is flammable, so I wouldn't put it straight on the heat! I used a metal measuring spoon to dip out my ingredients for each balm into another metal measuring cup, then set that in the water to remelt and mix, then poured through the funnel into the tubes.

The hardest part, besides carefully not getting burned, was cutting a chunk of beeswax. I set a sharp knife on the block of wax, then hit it with a hammer. Then scraped the wax off the knife with my nails. It really wasn't too hard.

Wait... actually, the hardest part was cleaning beeswax off the measuring things. You're on your own for that. I love my new lip balm enough to buy new measuring cups and keep a set just for handling wax!

The coconut/beeswax balm tastes and smells nice--quite light and pleasant. I've been using it for a week now, and my lips are in better shape than I ever remember; I've been struggling with reeeally flaky lips for years! And, of course, it's just two nice, safe, reasonably edible ingredients... which I think is important since you smear it on your mouth.

In the blogosphere, we're all neighbors.

2009-04-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like introducing some of my favorite "neighbors" today:

Melissa gets the "Welcome Wagon" award. She found me, I think, via NaBloPoMo, and has been hanging around encouraging my blogging efforts and generally being friendly ever since! She has great kids, too. They love to help each other learn...

Stacy also helped me settle in to the blogging neighborhood; I turn to her blog sometimes when my mothering could use some creativity and/or my self needs a reminder that those "perfect" moms aren't actually perfect. Hers is one of the first blogs I read regularly.

Jennifer F. blogged through her conversion from "reason"-rules atheism to Catholicism. So, she's dealt with with some of the stuff I'm dealing with now, except with scorpions and more children in the mix. Lots of interesting debates go on in the comments to her posts.

The Committed Parent is about, uh, parenting. And neuroscience. Many of the posts offer a scientific look at how not to damage your children, and how to mitigate the damage when you do. It's more readable than it sounds.

We've Got Time to Help is a Portland group dedicated to helping. I mean, they do anything they can for anyone who asks. Locals... take a look, see if there's something you can help with! Non-locals... copy this idea!

Scripture

2009-04-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

John 10:28, NIV

"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can take them out of my hand."

(This is Jesus speaking.)

NO ONE.

Now, in the KJV, this verse reads, "And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand." "No one" and "no man" are pretty different, I think, but the NIV verse, the first way I read it, was just what I needed to read at the moment I read it. I felt compelled to read it again, out loud, to my son. (He was nursing and asleep, so he was either paying total attention or hearing nothing I said.) The emotional wowkaboom is still with me, two (three?) days later.

Everyone's Convinced They're Right

2009-04-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

This is where I am:

If I am Christian, then I want to follow Jesus' teachings, yes? And God's will? Yes.

So, it is important for Christians to know if their church is God-approved, right? There are several possibilities here. There could be one denomination that is teaching and doing the things God wants to be believed and done. There could be a few, or several, or many denominations truly following God's will, but some that are not. Or, it could be that any church that uses the Bible and teaches a few basic things (Jesus our savior, etc.) is A-OK with God. Or, it could be that the church and the denomination are irrelevant to the individual believer and the "true church" is the worldwide community of those true, saved believers.

Right there are several widely differing possibilities, and the truth of any one of them can be convincingly argued. What I think might probably be true still changes every few days.

Moving on...

Assuming I don't become convinced that God hates liturgy for some reason, and assuming this diaphanous feeling I have solidifies into heartful Christian belief, I want to join a liturgical denomination. I am a person who thrives on routine and rules, and I like the idea of a greater part of the service being formulaic... that is, it's not mostly or entirely made up by the preacher. The priest delivers a homily, (right? The sermon bit?) but it is surrounded by elements not of the priest's design.

So. An obvious first step for me is to look at Catholicism. Catholics claim that theirs is the church set up by Jesus, and the pope's power has been handed down from Peter. I've read a bunch of things that have convinced me that Catholic teachings are right, which is funny-odd, as I recently thought several Catholic teachings were ridiculous. (Am I supposed to capitalize Pope?)

However. However! I've also read plenty of things that have convinced me that the Catholics are not right!

I was talking to my lapsed-Catholic husband just last night about this. I was talking about how I am not qualified to evaluate the merit of any particular church, and why doesn't God just tell me what church to join, or that they're all alright? This is maddening! My husband told me that's where faith comes in. I told him that was just fine, but how do I get faith? I thought that accepting Jesus' sacrifice and reading the Bible and praying for guidance was the thing to do, but I'm not hearing any message from God about how to proceed. I AM hearing MANY conflicting messages from PEOPLE. My husband said, "That is why I walked away from the Catholic church. I could never get an answer about where faith comes from."

Anyway, Catholic? Lutheran? Neither? Either? Does anybody KNOW? I'm trying to figure it out, but each side is argued so convincingly!

Mostly, I am praying. Please, God, show me the way and give me the strength to follow it.

Getting Bolder

2009-04-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Though I love all the things that are wonderful about the internet, and they are many, I am really scared of the things that are scary about it! That's why I've been lurking around with various pseudonyms and only recently started using my real name.

Is this safe???

S t a c y pointed out that I haven't had an email available. The funny thing about that is that I have appreciated being able to email other bloggers--I have, in fact, emailed Stacy--but I've been afraid to make myself available.

So, here goes: my email is now available on my profile page. Please don't use it to kidnap my family or steal our stuff or spam me. Thank you.

All by myself, don't wanna be...

2009-04-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

My husband is in Las Vegas this weekend.

I realize how much I have come to depend on him, especially for A) bearing witness to my struggles (a.k.a. "listening to me complain") and B) entertaining me.

Oh, yeah, and washing the pots and pans.

The Christianity Wagon

2009-04-14T15:27:00.001-07:00

I feel like a bowling ball on an open wagon. I read something, or hear or see or think something, that leads me to believe in God, Jesus, and the Bible--the whole bit. Bowling-ball-me finds a nice, comfy spot on the wagon and I get back into the process of finding a church. Then, again and again, the wagon hits a bump or something pushes me or whatever and I fall back off. The whole thing, Christianity, again just feels wrong. Nonsensical. Unnecessary.

-BUT-

SOMETHING keeps picking me up and putting me back on. It's certainly not a person influencing me; I have pagan parents, a husband who terms himself a "recovering Catholic," a Jewish neighbor who thinks the Jesus/messiah story is preposterous and the point of a church is only community, and the rest of my friends don't talk theology. It is entirely possible that it is only a desire for community and some structure that keeps me looking back toward Christianity. I suppose it's also possible that opposing forces are battling for my soul. Or maybe finding religion is just a longer, more complex process than, say, finding a car (or any other earthly thing.) Hmm.

Ah, the first post!

2009-04-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to set up this blog for awhile now, and the thing that has stopped me is writing this post. The first post. It seems like it ought to be a concise, well-written explanation of Who I Am and What This Blog is About. However, though I consider myself to be a reasonably skilled writer, I am also the mother of a toddler. Meaning, the time I have to write is extreeemely limited, and I'm just not going to put forth the effort that I did when writing my brilliant A-inspiring junior-collegiate essays. I prefer to spend my time and effort on my husband, son, home, and trying to figure out whether or not I'm Christian or Buddhist or anything and should I join a church and which church and what will my pagan parents say?

I also don't want to set forth an introduction because who I am changes (I mean my self changes, not my soul.) What I want to share changes, and how much and how often I want to post changes. I will say that, today, I am hoping to attract other attachment/gentle/peaceful/continuum-type parents; folks interested in natural living, crafting, and taking steps toward self-sufficiency and eco-friendliness; and members of any faith who are interested in discussion. Book lovers are welcome, insults are not, comments are moderated.

Welcome, and enjoy!